Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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