How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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