I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
