its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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