Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
