Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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