Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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