I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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