I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
