Can Purell be used as lube?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
