Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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