is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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