Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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