im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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