I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
