I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
