So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
