Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
