Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Of course I have a pirate flag
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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