so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
