Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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