i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
