do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
