i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
