This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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