yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize