I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Shame - the story of my life.
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