I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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