it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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