i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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