Plan B is the new Plan A
I want to have your abortion
Soap is not a condiment
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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