Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
