fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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