That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
