Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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