You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
now i know why i became what i already was.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I pour the whiskey from now on
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
