Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
