When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
