this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We need to get me chipped asap
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
