every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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