I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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