I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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