I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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