dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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