if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i think i have herpe
just one?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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