it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
In other news, I just burned my penis
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize