I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My cat gives me a boner
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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