I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize