Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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