I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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