i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
