Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
worst night to have a conscience
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
