also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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