That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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