We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
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