she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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