I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I see more hoeing in ur future
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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