if you like me you must not know who I am
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My hand turned me down
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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