I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
