he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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