just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
