Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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