I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
cat food counts as protein by the way
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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