it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
