Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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