don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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