the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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