I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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