that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
