I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
