i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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