Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
