i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
