Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize