Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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