Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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