I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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