please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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