Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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